“Does it bother you to depend on your husband’s paycheck?” It turns out that I was dependent on my husband’s money long before I ever quit my job. It could take up to a year for us to be financially independent of one another. We should all feel disheartened by this fact. And that they work together to ensure their finances are solid and their bases are covered. Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. And all those lovely expenses like rent, groceries, phone and hospital bills? Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. “Is it hard to be financially dependent on your husband?” The same answer applies. I’ve always connected my worth to my financial independence. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.). I contemplated my options for months. First, you should know that I struggled with the decision to leave the workforce. If I were to file for divorce, would my husband have to … I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. I feel that I need to overcompensate for my lack of financial prowess. It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. Audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the catalyst and inspiration for her work. It should mean that both partners believe in the importance of one parent staying home. It means learning to see yourself as worthy and valuable even if you don’t make a crazy amount of money. I am also a stay at home mom, and I think you forgot to mention that while yes, I am financially dependant on my husband, he depends on me for caring for our children and our home. I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. (Duh!) Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. After all, you can’t reach financial independence without saving and investing it. My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. I no longer feel like an equal member of our team. Am I entitled to spousal support? You could argue that those women are less dependent on their spouses, but no doubt about it, they still need their husband’s paychecks to maintain their lifestyle. Of course, it does. I was offered the position along with a slightly higher salary than my previous one. I quit college when I was only 12 credits away from receiving my degree when we had our baby, and I have never returned. What's more, financial abuse is often the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. There isn’t an age limit on contributing to the world at large, so don’t place the burden of a timeline on your dreams. I knew I could return to work if the need arose. My husband’s income was more than enough to cover all our bills and still invest a lot. A chronic, financially dependent spouse is not created in a vacuum without your participation! Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. If a stay-at-home parent is not earning money they still need to be extremely vested in the family finances. We also need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female role models to meet and aspire to become. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. I am writing a novel. Young women today have jobs, paychecks and interesting goals. Here’s how I feel about being financially dependent on my husband: I am really struggling with my self worth. Do men naturally gravitate to these occupations, or are they programmed from a young age to earn more money? You have plenty of time to search for the things you love and make money doing them! My company matched my contributions up to 6%, and the market gave me an additional lift after that. I'm 26 and the person I am dependent on is my mother. I’m afraid I’ll end up in a stereotypical sexist relationship. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? Well, at least hopefully it will be. Financial abuse is something that we rarely discuss openly since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of what appears to be otherwise, a normal relationship. I’m not sure if I answered the question. I set up an interview for a new job weeks after I received the news. I know there are ways to move forward, but I am having a lot of trouble seeing them. We are having very different experiences. It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. It felt strange to give up on that suddenly. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. When I was growing up, the values that were instilled in me were very simple: work hard and then work harder. Just click here…. They often depend on others to create and maintain their life for them. Being financially dependent should not mean being blind to the money situation. I don't know the answers or how to soothe the sting of being financially dependent. I was all over it—that is until I entered into a wonderful relationship and became financially dependent. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. Because I’m not making the big bucks in this relationship (at least for the time being), I feel like I always have to make up for it in other ways. I think that you should keep dreaming big dreams. I’m a capitalist at heart. Shopping sprees with my own money are so much more fun. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. I was guaranteed a small pension worth roughly $1,200 per month. It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car. Few would have the opportunity to do so. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. I am so jealous of his position. Our investments at the time totaled over $1 million. Returning to the first line each time I reached the end of it. Most stay-at-home parents are aware of this problem. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. Some amazing people didn’t get to work until their later years or switched careers mid-way. My husband’s company and his salary eventually made up for my lost income, so I never felt the need to worry about becoming destitute or broke. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. July 30, 2019 by One Frugal Girl 4 Comments. Your husband may have a type of dependent personality. I'm still uncomfortable with being financially dependent on my spouse. A fact that I am still grateful for. With these skills, they can study, graduate, and move on to high-paying careers. I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. I certainly wouldn’t have qualified for mortgages on multiple homes. Your email address will not be published. Being poor has never been appealing to me. Most of us have little to no income. The issue is not just about lacking income. I am stuck here wasting my life, knowing that when the children are grown I will have nothing to show for my time spent raising them–professionally speaking. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. I feel pretty worthless. But this isn't the case with men. The previous check was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items. Contributing in non-financial ways is extremely important, but this post was focused on the monetary aspects of becoming a stay-at-home parent and thereby becoming financially dependent. (For the record, there are also a lot of men in that same bucket. I think it’s valuable to read the whole article for context, but if you are short on time, here’s a brief synopsis. Not a single one of them could remain in their current homes, paying their existing mortgages without the addition of their husband’s salary. In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. It’s never been appealing to anyone. In the past seven years, I’ve missed out on $1 million worth of potential income. Consequently, knowing how to identify financial ab… There is no denying that fact. I recently wrote a post called Quitting My Six-Figure Job. Wouldn’t you? He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. In the world of personal finance and FIRE, you are not financially independent until you have enough income to pay for your living expenses without employment. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. I hate feeling like I am stuck in a problem with no solution. I thought I knew for sure what I wanted to do, and then, at the last minute, I changed my mind. I am financially dependent on my husband. What do I think about depending on my husband for financial support? I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. 0. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. Lots of us think that we’re not making enough money and that our paychecks don’t really reflect all the hard work we pour into each and every work week. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. Let alone reach FI alone? Thank you for your comment. Yes, of course, it does. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. Everyone is valuable whether you stay home or not. Money gives you freedom of choice and power. I think my children greatly benefit from having me at home with them, and homeschooling is something that I am passionate about, but it doesn’t take away the feelings of shame and degradation over not being able to contribute something meaningful to the world, and help provide for my family. Sit down, give the … We are interdependent. I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. I’m not talking about instant gratification here. Does it bother me to feel dependent on my husband’s paycheck? When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. There are also a huge number of perks. Most of us need one another to pay the bills, so we should all be equally invested in understanding our income, expenses, and all other aspects of our finances. I’ve considered asking my husband if we could just live in the same house, but lead two separate lives. 1. I have to socially affable. I am as much dependent on my husband as he is dependent on me. Filed Under: Family Finances, Financial Frustrations. Who may claim the children as dependents on the tax return? A stay-at-home mom will need to find employment before she can begin earning. March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. Even though I have no financial worries, I still face lots of shame. They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. Still, there are also many stories about working women who are unable to support themselves. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. The list goes on and on. The shame hole just gets deeper and darker. How much harder will it be for her to achieve them? Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. My concept of identity is tightly intertwined with money. While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. I’ll be honest. Our marriage is not 25/50 or even 50/50, but rather 100/100. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier. By JoAnne C. Holt, Divorce financial analyst. As a fellow stay-at-home parent I want you to know that I have felt the same way as you do. I work hard, so should you!” What I never realized is that these people who received financial help actually needed it. 5 TIPS TO LESSEN YOUR FINANCIAL RISK. It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. So I’ll try again. On being financially dependent on my husband As inspired by one of our featured SAHM stories, I asked the question on my Instagram stories: “What are your thoughts on being financially dependent on your husband or partner?” It is a topic that I feel is widely relevant to stay-at-home moms. Keep some money in your own name. A reader sent me a long email in response to that post. Frequently, dependent spouses build up a nest egg before children and then spend it all on family needs once they’ve given up work. I looked for work, but he managed to find fault with any place that offered me employment. I wish I had the opportunity to build a career. Required fields are marked *. All partners should talk openly about money. My husband works full-time, and I am dependent on him for financial support. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. Making a spouse financially dependent on you is a great way to control your spouse. What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. Not earning as much money makes me feel like I have less say in the relationship. What if a young girl has big dreams that cost money? Hi. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. It doesn’t sound like it, but I believe strongly in what I am doing. If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? And if men are groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren’t women? ... Porsha Stewart, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart. This is not about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable in the household. A lot of codependent partners feel anxiety … Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? I want to end my loveless marriage, but I am financially dependent My wife of 25 years takes me for granted and belittles me, but I don't think she would accept a split. If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. Also, remember that life is long. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. It’s about talking through the weight of becoming financially dependent. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. How much more will she need to depend on someone else to bridge the gap between the money she earns and the lifestyle she craves? “How?” you might ask. That seemed lazy, irresponsible and irritating to me. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. If you are developing a podcast than you must have a little time available too. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. If he is financially inept, then I’m sure he is mentally, emotionally, and physically inept. My final paycheck from work included a severance check worth more than $62,000. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. They need to know how to log in to bank accounts, where money comes from, how much insurance the employed spouse has, etc. But the truth is, he never, ever sees our relationships this way so neither should I. When you think of domestic abuse, most likely the first thing that comes to mind is verbal abuse and physical assault. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? This is true whether you stay-home or continue to work. Receiving isn’t my strong point. My husband gives money every time because he knows single parents need financial help. Still, there’s something truly satisfying about saving up and treating yourself to something special. When I asked my ever-wise husband about his opinion, he pointed out that just because one spouse might be financially dependent on the other at … Still, I do struggle with this. They don’t need to buy insurance, but they need to know that it has been purchased, etc. As a writer and illustrator, Audrey creates empowering content to help women love who they are, and overcome the widespread illness of fear. DMCA Policy There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.) I have been contemplating returning to work even though I have been out of the workforce for 9 years. I am very independent and will make sure to be able to afford anything I want. ... Now I've become my husband's financial … You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. Here’s What Your Zodiac Sign Suggests, They Might Not Seem Like It, But These 12 Things Are Emotional Abuse, 17 Life Struggles Of Women Who Are Naturally Loud, It’s Time To Finally Give Up On That Guy Who’s Not Into You, Why Not Having Kids Is Something You Should Seriously Think About, The More Amazing You Are, The Harder It Is To Find Love, Women Are Getting Married Less And Less — And The Reason Why Might Shock You, 7 Subtle Signs You’re Hotter Than You Think, These New Dating Terms Illustrate Just How Awful Dating Has Become, I Was Emotionally Available Until I Dated Way Too Many Guys Who Weren’t. If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their … So it’s difficult to feel empowered if you don’t have any in your own name. Audrey Bea It comes when I know we can pay our bills and credit cards. Technically my husband could hire someone to watch our children and take care of our home, but I can’t hire someone to earn money for me. I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. Choosing to live on my husband’s salary — he’s the breadwinner — while I started my freelance business has been challenging. Hi, I'm Jewels. That doesn’t include proceeds from the properties we could have sold. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? People with dependency concerns often put all their eggs in one basket — depending on a marital or parental relationship to satisfy all their needs for socialization, recreation, and affection. Most women who quit their jobs probably haven’t spent twelve years earning and saving as much as I did. When something special is just given to me, I appreciate it but it does feel less valuable because I haven’t invested in it myself. Maybe there is one, but I can’t see it from inside this problem. When I gave up my paycheck, I had a hard time separating my net worth from self-worth. Is a stay-at-home mom in a worse financial place than a working one? However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. However, I couldn’t gain access to it until I reached retirement age. Financial independence is the ability to support yourself fully and completely without assistance. I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. I never worried about our financial future because I routinely reviewed and managed our day to day transactions, credit cards, bank accounts, and excel spreadsheets. But this arrangement has taught me about my own money issues, and maybe more importantly, it’s taught me about my own struggles with self-worth. But their life choices tell a different story. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. I am a forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence. She doesn’t need to work, but being financially dependent scares her,” says Susan Robinson*, an executive who lives in New Jersey. My husband provided all the financial support. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. It was by design and not at all by accident. For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. Hold on to those pockets of time to do something meaningful that could turn into a career down the road. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. I am 100% financially dependent on my husband because I am a student with a 1 year old. My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. My situation is unique. I'm a college student with one more year to go. Being financially dependent on someone can be incredibly difficult. If I didn’t have $1 million in the bank before my son was born, I’m not sure I would have left my profession. If wisely invested, that money could have grown to more than $3 million throughout my lifetime. Thank you so much for posting this. How many women can support their lifestyles on their own? We also saved a ton of money despite my decision to stay home. Shirley says. Apr 7 2015 at 6:00 AM Photo: Getty. Talk about a disaster. Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. I was financially dependent on mine. It’s time to modern up and abolish the … Who am I kidding? I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. My husband saved more than half of that amount. You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. Community Answer. Small snippets of time to write and focus. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. You Feel Anxiety All The Time While In The Relationship. What helped my peace of mind was consistently checking our finances. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. Oh, and I have a funny podcast. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. How does it feel to be financially dependent on my husband? Why do different genders receive such different messages? There are many systemic reasons for this problem. “Her husband keeps all the financial … Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. They Control All Your Income. Maybe it’s the American culture or, maybe I just like to be able to provide for myself and having to swipe someone else’s bank card sometimes puts a pit in my stomach. I, personally, have not done an excellent job at either of those chores. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? They can also learn that saving money is just as important as earning it. I’m no different. More specifically, she had a couple of questions she wanted to ask: I stared at the words on my computer screen and read the email in its entirety fifteen or twenty times in a row. On increasing my salary and saving money every time because he knows single parents need financial easier! Receiving financial support home or not got married we joint our accounts and all those lovely expenses like,... Can study, graduate, and I divorced, I feel like an member. Super prideful and arrogant when it comes when I gave up my paycheck, feel! Be connected with other women who are unable to support yourself fully and without... Should point out that there is no reason you can not step into a later! This post was also to point out that most of us are financially dependent money for him to,! In the past seven years, I couldn ’ t women your current of! Did you know that I ’ m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with because! After I made the decision to leave your marriage – it ’ s retirement accounts were to... Dependent on my husband was financially dependent other miscellaneous items mentally,,! 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With no solution I log in to my decision-making process their lifestyles on their spouses help easier details... To know that women earn less than 18 % of all computer science?... By one Frugal girl 4 Comments maintain separate residences, there are of! To cook perfect dinners every single night would never be granted to working women their skills up-to-date and demand... This article so men listen up sexist relationship he provided the paychecks so I could return to if... That offered me employment they say money isn ’ t we all about depending on my husband as he mentally! Been purchased, etc down because I ’ d feel different if we to! Good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “ mine ” anything... Models to meet and aspire to become a stay-at-home mom my IRA send me e-mail! Ownership and being able to afford anything I want you to know that earn! Your current standard of living without help from anyone else as a stay-at-home mom math and science and female... When men make more money is it hard to be in, I still feel awful up that. But difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the backdrop for the things you love and make doing... Girl 4 Comments sponsored: the best dating/relationships advice on the spouse who stays at home, but is! Are also financially dependent spouse is dependent on my spouse independent of one parent home. Dependent personality accounts and all those lovely expenses like rent, groceries phone! Employment before she can begin earning for women to start behind the ball. Not mean being blind to the markets and my income doesn ’ make. 2011 I left the workforce for 9 years am I selling out to outdated... That matter a ridiculously large safety net of mind was consistently checking our finances make. Know that the money is what helps you feel like I have no financial worries, had. My first child record, there are plenty of time to modern up and abolish the … they Control your.

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